Envy's New Groove
by A Girl Called Tennessee
Summary: Alright! FMA Gags voted! Now we have ENVY's New Groove! What happens when Envy's form is fixed and his only way home lies with a person who dislikes him as much as Envy dislikes him? Find out! and Laugh hard :P
1. Envy

Cast in order appearance: Envy, Alphonse, Edward, Mustang, Dante, Greed, Gluttony

Envy sits on the side of the road in the rain, hitchhiking or desperately trying to hail a cab

Taxi drives by and splashes him with water

Envy: It's because I'm a homunculus, isn't it?!

Gets up and walks under a cloth awning, awning gives out and splashes Envy with water

Envy: … *sniffle* … Don't cry, Envy! D-don't cry!! Whatever you do d-don't cry!!!

Envy begins crying

Envy: I'm weak!

Jumps up and runs over to random person

Envy: Do you think I'm weak?! I'm spineless! Just kill me now, I'm pathetic!

Person holds up hands and backs away slowly

Envy sits back down in a puddle and continues to crying

Envy's voice over: Would you look at that… pretty sad, right? Well you'll never believe this, but that cross dressed homunculus there was actually the leader of all the sins at one time, so much so he was even a threat to Pride's power, and by extension Dante's, who was basically ruling the country. He was a shape shifter, but now he's just a shape, that's right, somebody fixed his form. This guy was a great and powerful ball of charisma! Oh Yeah! Ruling all of Central, *quietly* well mostly by force but…. This is his story… well my story, I'm that homunculus…. The name is Envy… Envy the homunculus, the world's best guy and they ruined my life for no reason! Hard to believe?! Well I tell you what, just go back a ways and this'll all make sense.

Flashes to failed homunculus dragging itself out of a transmutation circle while people scream

Envy voice over: Okay, see now that's a little too far back…. But that's me as a baby! Look how cute I am… that was before I got the um philosopher's stone that is…. Uh okay, move ahead.

Some of Envy's (Hohenheim's son form) best scenes: hanging out in the underground city, smashing the floor in, taking advantage of people, and mocking other homunculus

Envy vo: You see, people did what I told them to! I had a butler and a chef… and a theme song guy… well every awesome person needs one right? There was also that little perk of instantly getting rid of every single problem I had… that included people, special window to throw 'em out and everything. I think this was the day I threw Mustang out the window… he was being an idiot, what can I say? But you see with all these things there was one thing that I wanted really badly, and the only reason I wanted it was because I couldn't have it… that makes me angry *rage*…. But before I tell you what it is I should tell you about the people who ruined my life. First there's Alphonse Elric.

Alphonse (as large suit of armor) walks up to central building and taps guard on the shoulder

Al: Excuse me, my name is Al Elric and I'm here to see the Envy, King Bradley told me to, you see and apparently it's for something important. Oh and by the way have you seen a boy with blonde hair, not the tallest, red cloak?

Guard: No.

Al: … Okay then how do I get to see Envy, well it's my brother he really wants to see, not so much me, I-

Guard (irritated): Up the stairs, to the right, and down the hall, just follow the signs.

Al: Oh, thanks very much, and if you see my brother could you just tell him-?

Guard: No.

Al: T-thank you….

Envy vo: Ah yes the always irritating little brother… and enter older brother.

Ed enters sipping a soda

Envy vo: This is Edward Elric, or as I like to call him, Fullmetal pipsqueak.

Ed: Hey Al.

Al: Brother, where've you been?

Ed: Got thirsty- ow!

Gets hit on the head with a shoe

Mustang (hanging upside down in state alchemist tapestry): That's mine.

Ed: Oh, here.

Throws boot at Mustang, hits him in the face

Mustang: Hey!

Ed: Pay back!

Al: Colonel, why are you stuck in the flag?

Mustang: Envy threw me out the window.

Ed: Can't blame him.

Al helps Mustang out of flag

Al: Why?

Mustang: 'cause I was bothering him.

Ed: I'm supposed to see him now.

Mustang: Don't make him mad, you won't survive the fall.

Ed: What's that supposed to mean?

Mustang (walking away): Just don't get him mad.

Al: Are you gonna be okay?

Mustang: You'll regret it!

Ed: ….

Al: ….

Ed: Well I guess I'll go see him now.

Al: Okay, I'll just stay out here then….

Ed: Coward.

Ed walks in

Envy vo: Now you see what I mean? Those guys are trouble. But as bad as they are they're nothing to what's coming up next. Now mind you, it's _my_ job to tell the other homunculus what to do.

Dante (old woman) sitting in large throne

Envy vo: This is Dante, my illegitimate mother, also living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth. I believe she turned fifty this year… again. And to her left you can see her henchman, every decade or so she'll get a new one, but this year's model's name is Greed.

Greed stands next to Dante, blank stare

Envy: I know, I know, he's supposed to be in a cell right now, but he keeps escaping, so giving him the position of Dante's right hand man was the only way to keep him quiet.

Dante (talking to Gluttony): It is no concern of mine whether you have… what was it again?

Gluttony: Um, food?

Dante: Ha! Well it's not my fault you're always so hungry. Go eat a civilian or something.

Gluttony: But I-!

Dante: Pride, get him out of here.

Pride escorts Gluttony out

Envy (out of shot): The nerve of some of those homunculi.

Dante: Tell me about it….

Envy steps from behind chair

Envy: Hi there.

Dante: Oh Envy! I didn't see you there!

Envy: You were doing it again!

Dante: D-d-doing what?

Envy: My job! You tell me what to do, whether I listen or not isn't the issue, then I tell them what to do! It's in the contract! Don't mess with the contract!

Dante: Well I was only dealing with gluttony, you know he's-….

Envy zones out

Envy vo: Look at those wrinkles… what is holding this woman together? Body jump coming up? Hope so… I'm getting tired of looking at this ugly thing everyday….

Greed: Good thinking there Dante! So Envy, what'd ya say? *taps Envy on shoulder*

Envy: Whoa! Don't touch me! No touchy! Got it?! Huh?!

Greed: Uh… uh- yeah sorry.

Guard walks in

Guard: The armored boy's brother is here to see you now, Envy.

Envy: Great! Send him in!

Envy vo: Oh yeah, and remember that thing I told you I really really wanted before? Yeah that thing is Fullmetal pipsqueak's brother. No not like that! Perverts! No to make thing easier for all you out there with sick minds, I wanted the philosopher's stone, aka Alphonse Elric. Now don't ask me why I wanted it cause I'm just about to tell you, jeez impatient much?! Okay I wanted it because it was the only thing I couldn't have, and that made me very angry.

Envy: Okay Dante you can go now.

Dante: Fine.

Envy: Oh yeah and I'm not taking orders from you anymore.

Dante: What?!

Envy: Not, taking, orders, from, you… got it now?

Dante: You can't do that!

Envy: Sure I can! It's like I'm firing you as my mother, see how that works?

Dante: I don't get it!

Envy: Wow you're stupid, how else can I say it? You're being let go, you're part of an outplacement, your department's being downsized, we're going in a different direction, we're not picking up your option? Take your pick, I got more.

Dante: But I'm like your mother!

Envy: Hey everybody's gotta leave the nest eventually, but I'm not leaving this time, you are.

Dante: *rage*

Envy (singsong): So who's in my chair?

Greed: Oh! I know! Dante! Dante's in your chair! Right?!

Envy (sarcastic): Very good Greed! You want a treat?!

Greed: Yeah! Yeah!

Envy: Great, go get it.

Throws red stone down the stairs

Greed dives after it

Envy: You heard the man, up, up, up.

Greed (from bottom of stairs): I'm alright! I'm okay!

Dante gets up and walks away grumbling

Envy sits down

Envy: Okay, send him in.

Ed enters

Envy: Fullmetal pipsqueak!

Ed: *rage*… You wanted to see me?

Envy: Yeah! And I have a favor to ask!

Ed: As long as it doesn't involve being thrown out a window.

Envy: Don't be stupid.

Ed: Okay, well can we make this quick, I really don't want to be here.

Envy: Oh yeah sure, we're done.

Ed: I can go?

Envy: Uh-hu, so just leave your brother here on the way out.

Ed: W-what?

Envy: No one told you? I'm taking the philosophers stone.

Ed: You can't do that!

Envy: I get it, you'll miss him and all that junk. So I'm going to be… n- *gag*… ni- *gag*… nice and give you five days to say goodbye, then I'll come take him.

Ed: What?!

Envy: You're right! Three is plenty! Thanks! Dublith, right? Perfect, see you in three days. Okay guards, escort him out.

Ed: Hey!

Grabbed by back of the neck and dragged out

Envy vo: Oh yes, things were going my way…. Or so I thought.

**_Alright readers! Thanks for tuning in! most of you might have already read Homunculus Gags and FMA Gags so this should be what you're used to from me. Please review I love all polite comments, because reviews are better than ice-cream! Thanks again for reading and the next ch will be up soon, possibly next week, tell me what day you'd like a regular post :P _**

**_Tennessee_**


	2. The Plot

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Dante, Greed

Envy vo: So at this point things were going my way, or so I thought.

Dante smashes an Envy bobble head with an oversized mallet

Dante: How could he do this to me?! *smashes another bobble head*

Greed takes out wallet

Greed: You're going through these things fast, I'll go get some more.

Greed runs off to central gift shop, returns with an armload of Envy bobble heads

Greed: Here ya go *puts bobble head on ground*

Dante: Does he have any idea- a little to the left-

Greed moves bobble head to the left

Dante smashes it

Dante: -have any idea who he's dealing with?! How could he do this to me?! While I raised him!

Greed: Yeah… you'd think he would've turned out better.

Dante drops mallet

Dante: Go figure….

Greed: Well it's a good thing you're taking your anger out on these things instead of the real Envy.

Light bulb appears over Dante's head

Greed: … That's weird.

Dante: That's it Greed! I'll get rid of Envy!

Greed: … The real Envy?

Dante: Of course the real Envy! And with him out of the way I'll give orders directly to Pride! I'll be back in control! It's brilliant!

Greed: …So how does that work with him not taking orders from you?

Dante: Well only three people know about that, and soon that'll be only two.

Greed: And I'm one of those two! Right?!

Dante: To the secret lab!

Envy vo: … What kind of an idiot goes around screaming they have a secret lab… okay move ahead.

Dante and Greed stand in front two levers

Dante: Pull the lever Greed!

Greed pulls lever on the left

Dante falls through trap door, returns several seconds later, dripping wet shooing away an alligator

Dante: Why do we even have that lever?! Get out of my way *pushes Greed to the side* *pulls lever on the right*

Two are flung into rollercoaster-like car

Car simulation: Please remain seated and keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times, thank you.

Car takes off

Loop, loop, backwards, upside down

Envy vo: I'm getting sick just watching this thing!

Greed: Faster! Faster! Dante put your hands in there air!

Dante: *rolls eyes*

Envy vo: So is this where my Christmas money went?

Ride drops Dante in Greed (now in lab coats… when did that happen?) in a laboratory

Dante begins going through beakers and test tubes

Dante: What should I make him transform into? Oh yes I know! *picks up blue bottle* I'll fix his form at his little parasite thing from the manga!

Greed (whispering): Dante we're not supposed to talk about the gods!

Dante: *ignore* Then I'll put him in a box, then I'll put that box inside another box, then I'll mail that box to myself! And when it arrives! I'll smash it with a hammer!

Greed: That sounds expensive….

Dante (not listening): It's perfect! *swings hand* *knocks over beaker*

Green potion spills on plant, plant withers and drops dead

Both stare at plant ashes

Greed: Note to self: never take any sort of drink given to you by Dante….

Dante: Or to save on postage I'll just poison him with this! *pulls out green potion*

Greed: But you can't kill him just with poison.

Dante: Good thing I have his remains.

Greed: How'd ya get-?

Dante: I'll just put the remains in the poison and the poison in his drink.

Greed: Ew….

Dante: *hands Greed the beaker* Take it Greed! Feel the power!

Greed: Oh, I feel the power.

Dante: My moment of triumph approaches! It's dinner time!

Dinner:

Greed walks around setting up the table and getting food ready

Dante walks in

Dante: So is everything ready for tonight?

Greed: *picks up salad bowl* Oh yeah, I thought we'd start off with a light salad and see how we feel after that. *grin*

Dante: *irritated* Not the dinner… the… you know?

Greed: Oh the poison, the poison for Envy, the poison chosen especially to kill Envy, Envy's poison.

Dante: …*aggravated*

Greed: … That poison?

Dante: Yes that poison!

Greed takes out bottle of green potion

Greed: Got it.

Dante: Perfect, a few drops in his drink, then I'll propose a toast, and he'll be dead before dessert!

Greed (depressed): *sigh* Which is a shame because it's gonna be delicious….

Envy bursts in (still Hohenheim's son form), obviously very excited

Envy: Let's get to the grub! I'm one hungry ruler of Central…! *looks at Dante* So… no hard feelings about earlier right?

Dante (gridded teeth): …*forced smile* None whatsoever. Greed! Get him a drink!

Greed: Right! … *light bulb* Riiiiight….

Greed runs over to side table and pours poison in Envy's drink, small explosion, runs back over with tray of drinks, Envy's farthest away from other two

Greed (offering Envy drink): Your drink?

Envy: *sniff, sniff* Is something burning?

Greed: *horror* My spinach puffs! *runs out of room*

Envy and Dante sit down

Long silence

Envy: … So… he seems… bearable….

Dante: H-he is….

Envy: So he's like, what? Early two hundreds now?

Dante: … Heh, um I'm not sure….

Greed runs back in with tray of small pastry… things….

Greed: Saved 'em!

Envy: *sarcasm* That's great, good job.

Greed: Careful, they're still hot! *begins serving "spinach puffs"*

Dante: … ahem… Greed… Envy needs his drink….

Greed: Right… *light bulb* Riiiight!

Greed reaches for drink, all look the same

Greed: …? *runs back to side table with drinks*

Envy: Everything okay there Greed?

Greed: Oh yeah. Drinks are just a bit on the warm side…? *nothing left in bottle* *mixes all drinks and runs back over*

Greed gives Envy and Dante cups

Greed (whispering to Dante): Don't drink the-! *runs thumb over neck*

Dante: A-a toast to the homunculus! Long live Envy!

Envy downs drink, Dante pours hers into plant, Greed pours his down neck pretending to drink it

Envy: Mm… tasty! *head falls into plate*

Dante: Ha! It worked! Perfect! Good work Greed!

Greed (looking at spinach puffs): Oh they're so easy to make, I'll get you the recipe.

Dante: Now to get rid of the body- AH!

Envy sits back up

Envy: Okay so what were we saying?!

Dante: Uh-.. uh-… we were just making a toast to your long-

Envy's hair turns black and changes to palm tree form

Dante: Uh-! Healthy rule!

Envy: … Right, well what are you gonna do?

Envy's clothes change to homunculus form

Envy continues rambling

Changes into homunculus form

Dante (whispering to Greed): Hit him on the head!

Greed's hand turns to ultimate shield, bashes Envy over the head and knocks him out

Dante: W-what happened?! He's supposed to be dead!

Greed: Must be like his homunculus form…. Weird….

Dante: Give me the vial.

Greed gives Dante bottle

Dante: This isn't poison! We just fixed his form… at whatever this thing is! *picks up strand of Envy's hair*

Greed: Well in my defense all your potions look the same… might wanna think about relabeling….

Dante: *hits Greed in head with bottle* Just take him out of town and finish the job!

Greed (suddenly concerned): What about dinner?

Dante: Greed, this is kind of important.

Greed: What about dessert?

Dante: Well… I suppose there's time for dessert….

Greed (excited): And coffee?!

Dante: Fine, a quick cup of coffee, then take him out of town and finish the job!

_**Thanks for reading! Please review (reviews are better than ice-cream!) I'm probably going to have another chapter up in two days, maybe they'll come out regularly every other day. Thanks again!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	3. The Cross Dressed Homunculus

Cast in order of appearance: Greed, Envy, Ross, Brosh, Ed, Al, Izumi, Wrath

Greed runs through Central with large bag, singing (poorly)

Envy vo: Okay, so guess where I am right now. That's right, in the bag. Still think I'm not the victim here? Keep going, it gets better.

Greed sees Ross and Brosh and stands up against the wall still holding note

Ross and Brosh speed up

Greed continues down stairs still singing

Envy vo: Uh! He's doing his own theme music?! Big, dumb, and tone-deaf. So glad I was unconscious for all this.

Greed throws bag into river leading out of Central through sewers

Greed: Mission accomplished…. *reconsider… reconsider*

Voice: You're not gonna let him die like that, are you?

Small Greed pops onto Greed's shoulder dressed in robe and halo carrying a harp

Greed: My shoulder angel?

Second voice: Don't listen to that guy!

Another small Greed pops onto his should dressed in red with pitchfork and horns

Devil: He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness, I'm leading you down the path that rocks!

Greed: W-what?

Angel: Oh come of it.

Devil: You come off it.

Angel: You!

Devil: You infinity.

Angel: *rage*

Greed: *confusion*

Devil: Listen here big guy! I got three good reasons why you should just walk away.

Greed: …?

Devil: Reason number one *points at angel* Look at that guy; he's got that sissy stringy music thing.

Angel: We've been through this! It's a harp!

Devil: Right, that's a harp, and that's a dress.

Angel: Robe!

Devil: Reason number two! *does handstand* Look what I can do!

Greed: But what does that have to do with-?

Angel: No, no, he's got a point.

Greed: Listen you guy, you're really confusing me, so… be gone! Or however I get rid of you.

Devil: That'll work.

Both vanish

Greed: *consider… consider…*

Runs after bag and catches it as it goes into sewer

Greed: Okay… not good… what do I do with the body now? *runs back into the city*

Exit of Central:

Ed: What do I do? Should I tell him…? Maybe teacher can help….

Al: Brother, how'd it go?

Ed: Al! *cling*

Al: Um… there there, don't cry….

Ed: I'm not crying…! *points at Mustang* Mustang's just such an idiot it makes me emotional sometimes!

Al: …So what'd Envy want?

Ed: N-… nothing, come on lets go. Here let me polish you're armor for you!

Al: Uh, okay?

Ed takes Al's head and begins polishing it

Greed runs down stairs behind them

Greed: What do I do? What do I do? Think, think, think!

Trips and bag with Envy in it flies down the stairs, lands in Al's armor

Al: Whoa! What was that?

Ed: What? *puts Al's head back on*

Al: … I just thought… never mind.

Ed: Come on, let's go….

Two start to leave

Greed (still falling down the stairs): Back! Elbow! Shoulder! Ow! *hits the bottom*

Greed: W-where'd it-…? *sees Ed and Al*

Greed runs after them

Greed: Hey! Hey! Wait! The one with the armor! Stop-…!

Al and Ed: *gone*

Greed: Oh no… hope that doesn't come back to haunt me.

Dublith:

Izumi: Finally back, I see.

Ed: Yeah, the train broke down, so we had to walk. *sniffle*

Izumi: What's wrong with you-?

Ed: I'm okay….

Al: He's been like that the whole way here….

Ed: I told you! It's because Mustang's just such a moron!

Wrath runs out of the house

Wrath: Edward! Edward's less-scary-than-him brother! You're back!

Ed: Yep.

Wrath: I got measured today!

Ed: I don't think homunculi grow, Wrath.

Wrath: But I did!

Ed: … Are ya sure?

Izumi throws book at Ed

Izumi: Don't crush his hopes and dreams, Edward!

Ed: S-sorry Teacher!

Izumi: So what'd Envy want? To punish you for being a state alchemist?

Ed: No, h-he just wanted to discus plans for… a new water park he was building… yeah that's it… Envy-topia…. Heh-heh….

Izumi: Well that's stupid.

Ed: Yep that's um, it.

Wrath: Envy-topia?! Water park?! I wanna go! Mom, it's like the childhood I never got to have!

Izumi: Stop playing that card would ya?!

Wrath: *panic*

Runs inside

Izumi: Come on, help me make dinner.

Ed: Actually I need to talk to Al for a second.

Al: Okay, we'll be in in a minute.

Izumi goes inside

Ed: … Hey Al if you only had three days to live what would you do?

Al: That's a tough one… probably get my body back.

Ed: … *guilt*

Al: Why-?

*tap, tap, tap*

Ed: Shh… hear that?

Al: Yeah, what is that?

Ed: Take off your chest plate.

Al takes out chest plate and bag containing Envy falls out

Ed: What're you, a drug dealer?

Al: I don't know what it is!

Ed opens bag, Envy pops out

Envy (dazed): W-what happened?

Ed: Ah! Cross dressed homunculus!

Envy: What?! Cross dressed homunculus?! Where?!

Envy jumps out of Al and scrambles away, runs into street

Car drives by and narrowly misses Envy

Al: Whoa! Calm down! Are you okay?

Envy: *shock, daze* …N-no I'm not okay! That dude almost ran me over and didn't even stop!

Al: Well they don't normally.

Envy: They always stop for me…. *confusion*

Ed: Well why would they do that?

Envy: Because-! Hey I know you! You're the whiney pipsqueak!

Ed: Don't call me-…! Wait…. Envy?

Envy: Yeah! Who'd ya think you were talk'in to?

Al and Ed: … *awkward moment*

Ed: You… you don't really look like him….

Al: Uh… you look more like a…. Brother, help me out here.

Ed: …Not sure I can add anything….

Envy: What're you talking about? *shiver* Does anybody else feel a draft?

Al: Well we're not in skirts.

Envy: Skirt-? *looks down* Oh my god!!! What is this?!

Al: A skirt and a tang top… and it looks really weird.

Ed: Yeah, please shape shift or something.

Envy attempts to shape shift

Nothing happens

Tries again

Nothing

Al: I thought you could change form.

Envy: I can!

Ed: Doesn't look that way to me.

Al: How'd this happen to you?

Envy: I-… I don't remember…. Wait I remember pipsqueak and telling him I was gonna take his brother…

Al: What?!

Envy: *ignore* Then he got mad at me… oh! And you fixed my form! And you kidnapped me!

Ed: What? That's crazy! Why would I kidnap a homunculus? One is bad enough!

Envy: I have no idea; you're the criminal mastermind, not me!

Ed: What?!

Envy: … You're right, that's giving you way too much credit…. Okay, I gotta get back to Central, Dante can help, I'll order her to help! Alright you two, let's get a move on!

Al: … Brother?

Ed: You can't have Al.

Envy: You wanna run that by me again?

Ed: I won't take you back unless you leave him out of this.

Envy: Let me make something very clear… I DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH ALCHEMISTS!!!!

Ed: Well then I guess I can't take you back, and with the trains out it'll be pretty tough.

Envy: Ya know what, fine! I don't need your help!

Envy walks out of yard and down the street out of view

Al: Brother, the trains aren't running, he's gonna have to go through the forest.

Ed: What? You wanna be turned into his slave?

Al: … But he'll get killed. What about the chimeras?

Ed: If there's no Envy there's no need for him to have the philosopher's stone. It solves my problems and yours too.

Al: ….

Ed: …Why do you do this to me? Come on.

Two go after Envy

_**Hey! Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! Please tell me what you think because reviews are better than ice-cream!!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	4. Homunculus Rescue

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Ed, Al

Envy (walking through forest): Scary, right. *sarcasm* Oh watch out a leaf! I might attack me! I'm afraid…! Never find my way back? Please, I'm Envy, and as a homunculus I'm born with an innate sense of direction. *looks around* …. Okay so… where am I?

Small bug flies by and gets caught in spider web

Bug: Help me! Help me!

Envy: … *twitch*

Large spider eats bug

Envy: … Alright that was the freakiest thing I've ever seen.

Rustling begins in bushes

Envy: … Just back away….

Small fluffy chimera with large eyes jumps out

Envy: … *growl* What're you supposed to be?

Chimera holds up acorn

Envy: …? For me? *smirk* I don't know what to say.

Throws acorn at chimera

Envy: Hit the road bucky!

Envy laughs and starts to walk away, trips and tumbles down very steep hill

Envy: OW!

Looks around, several large scary looking chimeras asleep around him

Envy: W-what's with all these chimeras? It's like Tucker dumped 'em here when I told him to get rid of them in the Dublith f-… oh yeah….

Small chimera walks through over to Envy

Takes out balloon (random) and blows it up into a palm tree

Envy (quietly): Hey!

Chimera moves balloon near pricker bush

Envy: … Come on, d-don't do that!

Chimera moves balloon closer

Envy: D-don't!

*BANG!*

None of the chimeras wake up

Envy: HA!

Chimeras: *instantly awake*

Envy: … Oh no.

Ten seconds later:

Envy screaming and running through the woods being chased by chimeras

Envy: You'll wish you'd never been born… created!!! Just wait!!!

Stops at large cliff over looking river

Envy: … I didn't know there was a river here….

Chimeras close in

Envy: H-huge killer chimera… heh-heh….

Ed standing in tree over looking cliff

Al: Brother, you're gonna kill yourself.

Ed (tying rope to tree branch): I'll be fine, just- whoa!

Ed slips off tree branch and swings down past Envy

Envy: What kind of a rescue was that?!

Ed swings back and grabs Envy by the wrist

Envy: Don't drop me!! Please don't drop me!!

Ed: Don't worry! Al 'll catch us when we- *fly by Al and land on branch hanging over cliff*

Ed drops rope: Okay not good.

Envy (lying on top of branch): I'm new to this whole rescuing thing, but this might be considered a step backwards, wouldn't ya say?

Ed (clinging to bottom of the branch): Al! Transmute the tree!

Al: Hold on Brother!

Al transmutes the tree around them

Ed: Al! I said transmute the tree! Not transmute us to the tree!

Al: Sorry, Brother!

Envy: You idiot!

Al: Hey, I'm trying to help!

Tree branch begins to break off

Envy: …I hate you all.

Branch falls off and tumbles down cliff

Hits several rocks and bobs up and down into the water before coming to a stop

Envy: *cough, cough* Ya know, I'm getting all funned out.

Ed: Well ya know what-?!

Envy: Come on kid! You're the Fullmetal pip- I mean, Fullmetal alchemist! Just transmute it!

Ed: I can't! My hands are pinned down! I-…! Uh-oh….

Envy (facing backwards): Let me guess, we're about to go over a huge waterfall?

Ed: Yep….

Envy: Sharp rocks at the bottom?

Ed: Most likely.

Envy: … Bring it on.

Branch goes over waterfall

Twenty minutes later:

Al walking around at the base of the waterfall

Al: Brother?! Brother?! Envy?! Where are you?!

Ed (walking around on the other side of the water): *cough, cough* Al?!

Al: Brother! Are you okay, where's Envy?!

Ed: That's who I'm trying to find…! Wait… there!

Ed runs into water and pulls Envy out

Al runs over to Ed

Both stare at unconscious Envy

Al: ….

Ed: ….

Al: … What do we do?

Ed: … Don't look at me.

Al: … Well we have to do something.

Ed: I'd rather not.

Al: Brother you have to.

Ed: Fan girls will eat me alive!

Both: *shutter*

Al: Will he die?

Silence

Ed: F-… fine I'll do it… *glance, glance*

Ed bends down over

Ed: Envy? Can you hear me? … Why me?

Opens Envy's mouth

Ed: … I'm not doing this.

Al: Brother.

Ed: … Ick!

Leans closer to Envy

Envy: *eyes snap open* AAHHHH!!!!!!

Ed: AAAHHH!!!!!

Two jump away both scraping their tongues

Al: Heh…. Ha! HAHAHA!!!!!

Ed and Envy: It's not funny!!! EEWWWW!!!!!!!!

Ten minutes later:

Ed and Envy gargling on either side of Al so not to look at each other

Al (transmutes fire): *sigh*

Envy: *spits*

Water puts out fire

Envy: You pervert!

Al starts fire again

Ed: *spits*

Water puts out fire again

Ed: I wasn't trying to kiss you! You're the pervert!

Envy: I don't care what you were trying to do! It was disgusting! And if you would've done like I told you to and just given me your brother in the first place, we all could have been spared your _kiss of life_!

Al starts fire again

Envy shakes water out of hair, water put out fire

Al: *groan*

Ed: Whatever.

Envy gets up and walks over to Ed's cloak (drying)

Envy: But now that you're here you two can take me back to Central and I will finally have the philosopher's stone.

Al starts fire

Envy throws cloak over shoulder and it suffocates flame

Ed: … I think you just need to get to know Al a little bit.

Envy: Why would I want to _know_ a tin can?

Al: I'm sitting right here.

Ed: 'cause he's the nicest person you'll ever meet, you wouldn't want to kill him if you knew him.

Envy: … Now take me back.

Ed: I don't get it. All you care about is yourself!

Envy: Yeah, duh, me! Everybody else gets it! Why can't you?! Get with the program pipsqueak!

Ed: You know someday you'll wind up all alone and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Envy: … *sarcasm* Thanks, I'll log that away. Now take me back!

Ed: … No, unless you change your mind we're not taking you back.

Envy: *rage*

Envy picks up rock and throws it at Ed

Ed: Ow!

Envy: Don't look at me, somebody's throwing stuff. You should help the tin can build a fire.

Ed: *rage*

Envy sits down against tree

Ed (thought): He'll never change him mind….

Envy (thought): I'm never gonna get out of here….

Middle of the night

*Chatter, chatter, chatter*

Al (thought): …What's that?

Looks around, Envy's teeth chattering

Al: *sigh*

Gets up, picks up Ed's jacket, throws it over Envy, sits back down

Envy: *stir* Huh…? *glances over at Al* …Hmm…?

_**Okay PLEASE review because reviews are better than ice-cream... and cake... and ice-cream cake!!!!!! Thanks for reading and hope you tune in for Friday's chapter :P**_

_**Tennessee**_


	5. Working Together

Cast in order of appearance: Dante, Greed, Wrath, Izumi, Envy, Al, Ed

Large crowd dressed in black standing in front of underground Central's play house stage

Dante (holding candle in front of picture of Envy): And so it is with great sadness that we that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved homunculus... taken from us so tragically... on the very eve of his three hundred and eighty sixth birthday.

Greed (crying into handkerchief): Poor guy! Never stood a chance!

Dante: *ignore* His legacy will live on in our hearts.

Greed: *sob* Why do the good die young!?

Dante: For all eternity…. Well, he ain't gett'in any deader. Back to work.

All people continue to move around doing their jobs

Throne room:

Dante (sitting in throne): Greed, you really had me worried when you messed up those vials, but now that Envy's dead all is forgiven.

Greed (cooking while wearing plushy blue oven mitts): Huh? Oh! Yeah, he's dead alright, can't get much deader than the um dead.

Oven mitt catches fire, Greed drops it and stomps it out hurriedly

Greed: Aw man, my best pair…. *defensive* But yeah he's dead… he could only get deader even if we… killed him again… heh-heh….

Dante: … *suspicion* I suppose….

Greed (looking for something to change the subject): … Oh look, the homunculus dresser's here!

Runs over to dresser

Greed: So let me tell ya, I'm a pretty hard fit. My chest is double my waist so ya know, don't wanna look all baggy, am I right?

Dante walks over and kicks dresser down the stairs

Dante: Greed, Envy's dead right? Tell me Envy's dead, (singsong) I need to hear these words.

Greed: W-… well do you need to hear those word exactly?

Dante: *snap* He's still alive?!

Greed: He might not be as dead as one might have… hoped.

Dante: What?!

Greed: Just thought I should give you a heads-up, in case he ever… came back.

Dante: He can't come back!

Greed: Yeah, that'd be awkward… especially after that lovely eulogy.

Dante: You think?! You and I are going out to find him! If he talks we're through! Now let's move!!!

Wrath sits up in bed

Wrath: Edward, look out!

Izumi walks in

Izumi: Wrath what on Earth is it? Why do you keep waking me up so early?

Wrath begins thrashing

Wrath: I had a dream Edward was tied to a long and was careening out of control down a raging river of death!!!

Izumi: Alright! Alright!

Wrath: *sob* It was awful!!!

Izumi: … No more sugar before bed for you.

Wrath: Just send Sig in to check the closet for homunculi!

Izumi: You are a homunculus!

Wrath: …Where's Edward and his less-scary-than-him brother?

Izumi: Apparently Ed had a new idea for the water park… idiot… so they went back to Central.

Wrath: Oh… so you wanna hear about my dream? Edward had to kiss a homunculus!

Izumi: Go to bed.

Wrath: Well he didn't really but-

Izumi: Go to bed!!!

Wrath: *snore, snore*

Morning in the forest:

Ed still asleep

Al walking around picking up firewood, sits down near water

Envy gets up and hands Ed's cloak to Al, sits down beside him

Al: Oh….

Envy: … Thanks….

Al: … No problem….

Envy: … Feels like wool….

Al: Cotton.

Envy: Nice… nice.

Al: Brother made it himself.

Envy (trying not to laugh): H-pft!- he knits?

Al: Actually he made it with alchemy.

Envy: … Oh….

Awkward silence

Envy: … So… um, I was thinking… I mean I guess I don't need the stone… I have a lot of other stuff ya know?

Al: Like… you wouldn't kill me?

Envy: I just mean well ya know… I don't need everything I guess.

Al: So you'd be doing something nice for someone else… and you're okay with that?

Envy: _Yes_.

Al: Tell my Brother that… if you convince him, you'll convince me.

Envy: … B-… But I like you better, you're not as… frightening.

Al: … Well I trust you.

Ed sits up, apparently awake whole time

Ed: You mean it?

Envy: Yeah.

Ed: Promise?

Envy *nod*

Ed: …Fine let's go.

Envy: …? I don't get it….

Ed: I trust my brother, and if he trusts you so be it.

Al: And I trust my brother.

Envy: …Why?

Al: Because we're family.

Two begin walking through the forest

Envy: *confusion*…?

Ed: Come on! Up ahead's a bridge, after we cross it should be about two hours back to Central.

Envy: Good, 'cause believe it or not I think I need a bath.

Ed: I'd believe that.

Envy: What was that?

Ed: Nothing…. And Envy… thanks.

Envy: *grin* No, no… thank you….

Continue walking until they come to the bridge, rickety, old, falling apart

Envy: *gulp* When was the last time this was inspected?

Ed and Al: *shrug*

Envy: …No thank you, just build a bridge with alchemy.

Ed: We can't the walls are too weak, they'd just crumble.

Envy: … Brilliant.

Ed walks half way across bridge

Ed: See? It's fine.

Al: Go on.

Envy hesitantly walks half way across

Ed: Al come on- *takes a step and boards give out under him* Ah!

Ed hands tangled in ropes above rushing river

Al: Envy!

Envy: … *smirk* Yeah?

Al: Help him up!

Envy: *consider* … No I don't think I will.

Ed: What?! You're just gonna leave me here?!

Envy: Well actually I was gonna have you imprisoned for life and then take the philosopher's stone… but I kinda like this better *grin*

Al: I thought you were changed!

Envy: Well I had to say something to get you to take me back to Central.

Ed: So all of this was a lie?!

Envy: Yeah-! No wait… no it all was a lie…. Toodles!

Ed: You promised!

Envy: … What are you, five?! Promises are just cheap tricks to get people to do what you want! Learn that lesson now and you'll be set for the rest of your miserable eternal life!

Ed and Al: …?

Envy: … Buh-bye!

Takes step and falls through boards also

Envy hot tied in ropes facing Ed

Ed: You alright? You okay?

Envy: Y-yeah I think so.

Ed kicks Envy in the face

Ed: That's for going back on your promise! Who knew a person could be so heartless.

Envy launches himself off wall and head butts Ed

Envy: And that's for kidnapping me! And taking me to Dublith inside your brother, who I'm still gonna destroy by the way-! No touchy! *gets punched by Ed*

Ed: I could've let you die! Then all my problems would've been solved!

Envy: Well then that makes you ugly and stupid!

Al: Brother, what's going on?

Envy: *ignore* Let's end this!

Ed: Ladies first!

Envy and Ed launch themselves at each other, basically trying to strangle one another

Al: Brother! Stop the bridge is gonna-!

*Snap!*

Two tumbled down cliff which narrows until they're back to back holding each other up

Envy looks down at rapids and sharp rocks beneath them

Envy: Oh no! Oh no! We're gonna die! That's it for me!

Ed: Uh! Uh, no we're not. *idea* Link arms!

Envy: Huh?

Ed: Just do it!

Link arms

Ed: Okay, now on three push against my back and we'll walk up the wall!

Envy: Uh-hu.

Ed: Ready? Go!

Leans back and slams Envy into wall

Envy: You did that on purpose! *pushes Ed against the wall*

Ed: I did not! Now we have to work together! Now when I say go start walking up the hill.

Envy: *nod, nod*

Begin walking up the wall

Envy: We're moving!

Walls grow farther apart until they can't go any farther

Envy: … What now genius?

Ed: Al! Transmute a rope or something and throw it down!

Al: Sure Brother!

Al throws rope down (gets caught in branch)

Envy: You missed, you nitwit!

Ed: Just lift me up! I'll grab it!

Envy: How do I know you won't let me fall after you grab it?!

Ed: You'll just have to trust me!

Envy lifts Ed up

Envy: Ya know, it's a good thing you don't have a whole bunch of automail limbs, or this'd be really difficult!

Ed reaches up and pulls on rope

Ed: Hang on I almost got it!

Envy: *sarcasm*… Take your time… no hurry here!

Several scorpions fall from branch and land on Envy

Envy: Oh my god! *slips and begins to fall*

Ed grabs Envy by the ankle and Envy swings forward, his head getting stuck in crevice in the rocks

Envy (muffled): Oh no!

Ed: Hold on just a second! *scorpion crawls into Ed's cloak* AH! *begins smashing his back against the wall*

Envy: *sarcastic* This is just great… *bats in cavern all wake* … It just go better!

Bats begin flying into his face, forcing him out of crevice

Envy: AH!

Grabs rope and scrambles up it taking Ed *still holding his ankle* with him, leaps and suddenly two are back on top of cliff

Al: Brother! Envy! You're alright!

Ed and Envy: He-heh… heh….

Cliff under Ed begins to crumble

Envy: Look out!

Envy grabs Ed and pulls him off cliff before it tumbles down into the water

Envy: AH HA! I snatched you right out of the air!

Ed: *shock*

Envy: "Oh look at me! I'm a crumbly cannon wall and I'm take'n you with me!" But not today pal! *begins singing* Uh-hu! Uh-hu uh-hu uh-hu!

Ed: Y-you… just saved my life….

Envy: …?! Nobody's heartless enough to let ya fall…. …?! Well just don't read too much into it, it was a one time deal….

Al: … Well we should get a move on, with that bridge out it's a four day walk to Central.

Envy: You're still taking me back?

Ed: Sure.

Envy: … Four days huh? *looks at Al* What are the chances of you carrying me?

Al: Not likely.

_**OMG!!!!!! This one is so long!!!!!! But i really couldn't put it into two separate ones so.... Please review... while reviews may not be better than ice-cream cake (as pointed out in the last chapter) it's better than chocolate ice-cream with hot fudge and sprinkles!!!!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	6. A Meal Fit for a Homunculus

Cast in order of appearance: Dante, Greed, Envy, Ed, Al, Marta

Two days later:

Dante draws large red Xs through cities on a map while sitting in the back of some moving vehicle

Dante: No! No! No! No! We've checked all the towns surrounding Central and still no sign of Envy! Where is he?! *pulls down microphone* Greed!

Greed running through forest with large tent on his back

Greed (on the other side of microphone): Greed here.

Dante: I'm getting tired, pull over!

Greed: Sure thing, Greed out.

Greed stops and bends down

Dante walks out of tent stepping Greed's shoulder, head, and fingers, strides into mud

Dante: Oh perfect! These are my best shoes! I hate this forest! *swings scarf (covered in mud) around her shoulders, comes back and hits her in the face*

Random bees storm her

Greed looks over at branch where small blue and gold bird sits, goes over to it with note book while Dante continues to scream and be chased by bees

Greed (writing things down in notebook): Oh look! A golden-throated small-winged warbler!

Dante: AAAHHHH!!!!!

Greed: That's another one for exotic bird bingo!

Dante: AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

Greed: I am love'n this!

Dante trips in mud and falls in face first

Small fluffy chimera with large eyes waddles out of bush and offers Dante an acorn

Dante: GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chimera jumps into Greed's hands while screeching at Dante

Greed: Yeah tell me about it.

Chimera chatters at Greed

Greed: No, no, it's not you. She's not the easiest person to get close to. There's a wall there.

Chimera continues to chatter

Greed: Yeah, trust me.

Dante: … Are you talking to that chimera?

Greed: Oh yeah, I was a junior chimera when I was younger. And I had to be fluent in the language to talk to my chimeras more easily.

Greed looks at chimera

Greed: Please, continue.

Dante: Why me?! Why me?!

Greed: It doesn't always have to be about you ya know, this little guy's had it rough. Seems a talking palm tree gave him a little trouble yesterday.

Dante: … P-palm tree…? OH!!! Please, do tell!

Chimera whispers in Greed's ear

Greed: He doesn't really wanna talk to you.

Dante: Well then you ask him!

Greed: I hate being in the middle…. Okay, squeak squeakety squeak?

Chimera talks to Greed

Greed: Ferocious, killer chimeras, no kidding? Brutal….

Dante inches closer to Greed

Greed: Can you give us a little room here?

Dante backs up

Greed: A little bit farther.

Dante walks back a good fifty feet

Dante (shouting): How's this?!

Greed: Yeah that's good.

Dante: Now ask him which way the talking palm tree went!

Greed: Squeak-squeakity squeaken'?

Chimera points into woods to the left

A few miles to the left:

Envy: *dramatic* Low blood sugar! Can't walk anymore! *sigh* Somebody carry me.

Ed: No.

Envy: Please?!

Al: No.

Envy: Come on! Let's stop! I'm hungry!

Ed: Bet you've never been hungry in your life.

Envy: That's-…! Yeah, that's actuate, but come on! Please?!

Al points to restaurant up the road

Al: …How about there?

Ed: If it'll shut him up.

Three walk up to restaurant

Large sign hung on door: No Homunculus Allowed

Envy: … *blink, blink*

Ed and Al: Hmm….

Five minutes later:

Envy sitting at table with Ed and Al, wearing Ed's cloak as a dress with hair tied back in colorful hair scrunch-y and large sunglasses on

Marta walks over with apron on carrying pen and paper

Marta: *extremely dry* Welcome to Marta's Meat Hut, home… *stares at Envy*

Envy (high pitched): Tee-hee…?

Marta: …of the mug of meat. What'll it be?

Ed (looking at menu): Uh… oh, two specials please.

Envy (regular voice): And an onion log.

Marta: …?

Envy (high voice): For us to split… a treat for my son. *points at Ed*

Marta: What's the occasion?

Envy: He-… he uh, just graduated… fifth grade.

Ed (to Al): *rage* I'm not that short am I?

Marta (walking back to kitchen): Dorchet! We need two heartburns and a deep fried doorstop!

Three begin laughing

Ed: Okay I admit! This was a good idea!

Envy: When are you gonna admit all my ideas are good ones?

Al: *sigh* That's funny, 'cause I thought going into the forest by yourself, being chased by chimeras, lying to me to take you back to Central were all really bad ideas.

Envy: Well sure, anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.

Marta walks back over with two bowls of stew

Marta: Congratulations little boy.

Ed: *rage*

Envy (while Marta walks back to the kitchen): What is this stuff?

Al: It's stew.

Ed: Granted it's got milk in it, but it's still really good.

Envy: It looks like puke.

Al: Just try it.

Ed: Yeah, you're the one that dragged us here in the first place.

Envy picks up spoon and fishes through the stew

Envy: No thank you.

Gets up and begins walking away

Ed: Where're you going?

Envy: I'm just going to have a word with the chef.

Al: You'll get us thrown out.

Envy: Please, with this disguise I'm invisible.

Man at another table watches Envy walk into the kitchen and gives thumbs up to Al

Ed and Al: …Awkward….

Dante and Greed enter and sit down in booth behind Ed and Al

Dante: We've been going in circles for who knows how long! That's the last time we take directions from a chimera! I should have just done away with Envy while I had the chance!

Ed and Al: *gasp*

Greed: You really gotta stop beating yourself up about that.

Dante bend fork in half with thumb

Greed: Oh, here I'll get you a new one, Dante.

Greed taps Al on shoulder

Greed: You using that fork?

Al: No, no, you take it.

Greed: Do I know you from somewhere?

Al: I-I don't think so.

Greed: Wrestled you in high school?

Al: Nope.

Greed: Oh I know! Mr. Tucker's interpretive dance class two semesters, I was usually in the back because of my weak ankles.

Ed: No sorry, but we gotta go! *pushes Al out of booth*

Greed (shouting after them): Don't worry! I'll think of it!

Ed: I'll go get the idiot you wait outside, if anything goes wrong create a distraction.

Al: A distraction? What am I supposed to do?

Ed: Throw a chair, break something, dangle a red stone in front of the homunculus I don't care, just make sure those two don't find out where Envy is!

**_To counter the extra long chapter last time here's a shorter one, but still just the as many laughs! Please review! Because reviews are better than ice-cream!!! Thanks so much for reading and tune in next time for a brutally depressed Envy!!!! Thanks for reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**

**_Tennessee_**


	7. Abandon and Hunted

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Dorchet, Ed, Dante, Greed, Marta

Envy, talking to Dorchet while he cooks

Envy: Look all I know is that the food looks iffy, and I'm not the only one who thinks that, I'm sure.

Dorchet: *rage*

Envy: So I'm just gonna make sure that you step the main course up a notch, okay?

Ed: *runs into kitchen* Hey Envy! We gotta go!

Dante (looking through menu): Is there anything on this menu that _isn't_ swimming in gravy?

Greed: I'll go ask the chef.

Envy (still yelling at Dorchet as Ed pulls him away): It's a simple question! Is there, or is there not anything edible on this menu?!

Ed sees Greed coming and pushing Envy around the corner

Envy (while being pushed away): I didn't ask about dessert yet!

Greed walks in

Greed: Hey pal, what's your policy on making special orders?

Dorchet: That's it! You want a special order then make it yourself! I quit! *puts chef hat on Greed*

Greed: Hang on there.

Dorchet: I try and I try there's just no respect for people with vision! There's nothing I can do about it!

Greed: Please don't go!

Dorchet walks out

Marta: Ordering: three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout.

Greed: ….

Marta: Ya got all that?

Greed: Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of grandma's breakfast, and change the bull to a gill, got it!

Dante (sitting at table): What is he doing in there?

Envy: What's going on?

Ed (trying to open window): No time to explain. We just need to get out of here.

Envy: In a minute! I'm still hungry! *walks back into kitchen*

Ed: Envy!

Envy (to Greed): Listen, I'll make it simple for you. Just make me a spinach omelet with whole grain toast.

Greed (cooking): Can do.

Ed comes around corner

Dante bursts in

Dante: What is taking so long?!

Ed hides under table

Dante: What are you doing?

Greed (continuing to cook): I'm a little busy right now.

Dante: *sigh* Why am I not surprised?

Greed reaches under table, Ed hands him a bowl then runs out and dives through window

Dante: *rage* Well while you're at it make me the special! And hold the gravy!

Envy walks back in as Dante goes out through other doors

Envy: On second thought, make my omelet a meat pie.

Greed: Meat pie got it.

Envy walks out as Dante walks in

Dante: Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?

Greed: I'll have to charge you full price.

Dante: *growl*

Dante walks out, Envy walks in

Envy: How 'bout a side of potatoes?

Greed: Sure thing. Want cheese on those potatoes?

Envy out, Dante in

Dante: Thank you, Greed, cheddar will be fine.

Dante out, Envy in

Greed: Cheddar spuds coming up.

Envy: Spuds yes, cheese no.

Greed: Cheese out.

Dante: No I want the cheese.

Greed: Cheese in!

Envy: Homunculi don't like cheese!

Greed: Wait what?!

Dante: Potatoes with cheese! You got it?!

Greed: Okay okay!!!!

Envy and Dante: On second thought, make my potatoes a salad.

Al watches as Dante and Envy sit down

Al runs up to Marta

Al (pointing to Dante): You see that woman over there…?

Marta: *nod, nod* No problem, we do that all the time.

Envy and Dante sip their drinks then pick up menu

Envy puts menu down, then picks it up as Dante puts hers down, hesitate

Dante sighs and looks over at Envy become suspicious

Dante: …?

Crowd: Happy, happy, birthday! From all of us to you!

Dante: AAAAHHHH!

Large crowd gathers around Dante singing happy birthday

Ed and Al reach through window and pull Envy out of restaurant before anyone can notice him

Greed comes out of kitchen still cooking

Greed: It's your birthday?!

Dante: *scowl*

Man places cake with four hundred and twenty-seven candles on it in front of her while confetti is thrown and party hat is put on her head

Envy (being pulled away by Ed and Al): What are you doing?!

Ed: They're two people in there looking for you!

Envy: Who?

Ed: A big guy with the ouroboros and a skinny old woman.

Envy: Wait, was this woman scary beyond all reason?

Ed and Al: Oh yeah!

Envy: That's Dante and Greed! I'm saved! *pulls out hair scrunch-y and takes off sun glasses*

Al: Trust us, they're not here to save you!

Envy: *ignore* They'll take me to Central! Thanks for your help you guys, you've been great! *throws cloak back at Ed and begins walking away* I'll take it from here.

Ed: You don't get it! They're trying to _kill_ you!

Envy: "Kill me"? Their whole world revolves around me!

Al: No! We can't let you!

Envy: What? Oh I get it now! You don't care about me! You just wanna keep me stranded out here in nowhere land!

Ed: Just listen-!

Envy: No! You listen, all you care about is that stupid tin can! This has all been an act and I almost fell for it! Just get away from me!

Al: Envy!

Envy: Get away from me! *storms past them*

Ed: *rage* Fine! Go ahead!

Envy runs down steps and over to where Dante is getting into portable tent

Dante (before she can notice Envy): This entire mess is your fault!

Greed (carrying piece of cake and Dante's party hat): What I do?

Dante: If you hadn't mixed up those potions Envy would be dead now!

Envy: *shock*…?!

Dante: They'll be no more distractions until we track that homunculus down and kill him!

Greed: I said it was sorry, you can't even let it go, not even on your birthday. *gives cake to Dante (sitting in tent) and puts tent on his back carrying it away*

Dante: Envy will be eliminated and we'll finally be rid of that useless parasite!

Greed: Well you have a point, now one seems to care he's gone do they?

Greed runs back down path into the forest

Envy: …*hurt* …. Ed?! Al?!

Looks around, no one there

Envy: Alphonse?! Edward?

Seven hours later:

Envy sits on the side of the road in a small town half way back to Dublith in the rain, hitchhiking or desperately trying to hail a cab

Taxi drives by and splashes him with water

Envy: It's because I'm a homunculus, isn't it?!

Gets up and walks under a cloth awning, awning gives out and splashes Envy with water

Envy: … *sniffle* … Don't cry, Envy! D-don't cry!! Whatever you do d-don't cry!!!

Envy begins crying

Envy: I'm weak!

Jumps up and runs over to random person

Envy: Do you think I'm weak?! I'm spineless! Just kill me now, I'm pathetic!

Person holds up hands and backs away slowly

Envy sits back down in a puddle and continues to crying

Envy vo: This is where you came in. See? Just like I said, I'm the victim here! I didn't do anything and they ruined my life and took everything I had-!

Envy looks up at sky

Envy: Give it a rest would ya!

Person walks by, looks at Envy screaming at the sky and speeds up

Envy vo: What? I'm just telling them what happened.

Envy: Who are you kidding? They know what happened, they read the whole thing.

Envy vo: Well yeah but-….

Envy: *brutally depressed* Just leave me alone…. *curls up in alley*

_**WOW! Is it Tuesday already?! Okay well here is the next chapter... poor Envy, I mean he's mean and all but can't you just imagine his little face?! I've been inspired now I'm going to go draw a chibi Envy! Oh yeah and you can see all my FMA drawings on Deviantart . com, my username is Tennessee11741 :P. Please review, because reviews are better than ice-cream! Thanks for reading!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	8. The Elrics NewFound Family

Cast in order of appearance: Greed, Dante, Envy, Al, Ed, Mason, Izumi, Wrath

Greed sleeps in tent that barely covers his knees, snoring while hugging a teddy bear

Dante's tent beside his own, a story high, insulated, and fully decorated

Greed sits up suddenly

Greed: The guy in the armor! At the diner! … He didn't pay his check…. *falls back to sleep*

Long pause

Greed sits back up

Greed: He's the guy from Dublith I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Envy! *gasp* He must have taken him back to Dublith, so if we find where he's staying there we'll find him, and if we find him we'll find Envy! Oh yeah! Things are starting to come together!

Greed runs into Dante's tent

Greed: Dante!

Dante sits up, face covered in night cream with cucumber slices over her eyes

Greed: AAHH!!

Dante: This had better be good!

Morning:

Envy sleeping in pile of trash bags

Envy: *stir, stir* … AHH!!!!

Hobo staring at Envy

Hobo: You're in my bed.

Envy jumps up

Envy: S-sorry… *begins walking down street* *listens*

Al talking to someone while Ed holds up a poorly drawn picture of Envy

Ed: Have ya seen him?

Al (talking to another person): And just before my brother could plummet to his death Envy grabbed him and pulled him back to safety. I didn't think there was any good left in this guy but I was wrong.

Ed sees Envy

Ed: Besides, we couldn't just leave him out here. He's a lousy homunculus. I mean a really lousy homunculus.

Envy walks up to them

Envy: … Hey….

Ed and Al: Hi….

Envy: … Listen guys… I'm s-… so-… I'm sorry….

Ed: Save it.

Al: … So, ya wanna go back to Central?

Envy: *sniffle, sniffle* *sob* YES!!!

Envy, Ed, and Al running through forest almost at Dublith

Ed: We'll just stop at Teacher's house to pick up a few things.

Envy: And then to Central right?!

Al: Right!

Run down the street towards butcher's shop

Mason (walking in the other direction): Hey! Ed, Al! I just saw your relatives. I thought you didn't have any.

Al: We don't.

Ed: What did they look like?

Mason: Well there was this big guy, and a skinny old woman who was… scary beyond all reason.

Envy: Where'd they go?

Mason: I pointed 'em towards the house.

Izumi's house:

Izumi (making tea): So tell me again how you're related to the Elrics.

Dante: Why, I'm their third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great aunt. *grin*

Izumi: ….

Dante: Heh-heh, twice removed… *sips tea*

Izumi: … Uh-hu….

Dante: Isn't that right Greed?

Greed playing jump rope with Wrath (perhaps what it would have been like if Greed had gotten to Wrath before the others)

Wrath: Ninety-nine moneys jumping on a bed!

Greed: One fell off and bumped his head!

Dante: *groan* *rolls eyes*

Izumi: You know-

Dante: *grin*

Izumi: I'm really sorry you had to come all this way, but as I said before, you may recall, Ed and Al are not here and I don't know when they'll be back. I'll be sure to tell them you dropped by.

Dante: That would be great! *swings hand and hit tea cup*

Both stare at cup

Dante: Woops, clumsy me….

Izumi: No, no, *aggravated* allow me.

Attempts to lean down and pick up cup with out throwing up blood

Dante dashes into the other room and begins jump roping with Greed and Wrath

Dante: She's hiding something, when I give the word we search the house!

Greed: Okay but I still have ninety-six monkeys to go.

Dante: *growl*

Dashes back into chair as Izumi succeeds in picking up the cup

Dante: So while we're waiting for the Erics-

Izumi: Elrics.

Dante: Right, right, of course. Perhaps we could have a tour of your lovely home.

Izumi: Why don't you just back when the Elrics are here- *sees Ed and Al at the window frantically waving* Yah! Uh! I think I left something in the oven, just a minute!

Izumi runs out of the room

Greed swings two jump ropes while Wrath jumps from one to the other

Greed: This is my variation of double-dutch; on the signal we'll switch places.

Dante runs in

Dante: Greed it's time!

Greed: Okay!

Dante suddenly standing in the middle swing two jump ropes while Wrath and Greed jump in either one

Wrath: I like this game!

Dante: *irritated* Yeah, you would.

Izumi standing in kitchen with Ed and Al

Ed: So that's why we need to get him to Central and change him back as soon as possible.

Al: Can you help, Teacher?

Envy pops up in window

Envy: Hi there!

Izumi throws up blood on Envy, Envy faints and falls back down two stories

Ed: … That was him.

Izumi: Woops.

Dante goes through closets while Wrath follows her around still jumping rope

Wrath: Ya know what?

Dante: *ignore*

Wrath: I think you're more like my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great….

Izumi: You two go, I'll stall them long enough for you to get a head start.

Ed: Thanks Teacher!

Envy (face green): You have a very nice teacher…. *throws up*

Wrath: Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great-

Dante: *aggravated* Alright! Are you finished?!

Wrath: … Great, great aunt. Plus… homunculi don't have great aunts, or mothers….

Dante: Who told you that?

Wrath: … I think you did.

Dante: …?

Izumi walks in

Izumi: So where were we?

Dante: Listen here sister! We're not leaving until-!

Izumi: I'll show you the house! Of course!

Envy (as they run through the forest back towards Central): Hey, you think it was a good idea to leave your teacher and the small homunculus child alone with those two.

Al: Trust me, they can handle themselves.

Izumi stands in front of closet door holding a detached door knob in her hand while Wrath hangs on her giggling uncontrollably

Izumi: What do you mean it's stuck? Try jiggling the handle.

Dante (from inside closet): For the last time there _is_ no handle!

Izumi: There's not? Are you sure?

Wrath burst out laughing

Dante: I've had enough! Tell us where the palm tree homunculus is and we'll you're your house to the ground!

Greed (also in closet): Don't you mean "Or"?

Dante: Fine! Tell us where the palm tree homunculus is _or _we'll burn your house to the ground!

Wrath: Well which is it? That seems like a pretty crucial conjunction.

Dante: *rage* That's it! Greed! Break the door down!

Greed: Break it down? Are you kidding me? This is hand-carved mahogany!

Dante: I don't care, you fool! Get out of my way! I'll break it down myself! One! Two!

Izumi reattaches handle

Izumi: Okay Wrath, you know what to do.

Wrath: Right Mom! *runs out of shot*

Dante: Three!

Izumi opens door and Dante runs out and through screen door, trips and falls into wheel barrel which roles down the hill as Wrath pelts it with a beehive and feather pillows

Dante, completely covered in feathers, lands in Mason's truck carrying poultry

Dante: What?!

Dante sees Envy and Elrics headed over hill

Dante: There they go Greed! They're getting away!

Greed (talking to Izumi): Well I had a great time, let's not wait for the next family reunion to get together. *looks a Wrath and holds up knuckles* Where're the dogs at, little Wrath?

*knuckle touch*

Wrath: At the pound, Mr. Greed!

Dante: Greed!!!

Greed: I gotta run.

Izumi: … Well that was fun, huh Wrath?

Silence

Izumi: Wrath…?

_**Thanks so much for reading everyone! Another chapter in two days! Thanks again!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	9. Fight for a Form

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Ed, Al, Dante, Greed, Wrath

Envy returns to Ed and Al standing at levers dripping wet and shaking an alligator off his ankle

Envy: Okay! Why does she even have that lever?!

Ed pulls lever on the right

Three are flung forward and squished into a rollercoaster like car

All: Huh?

Car simulation: Please remain seated and keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times. Thank you.

Al: What is this?

Envy: I don't-… Oh my god! I know what this is!!! Lemme out!!!

Ed: W-what is-?!

Car flies down rollercoaster tracks

Ed (clinging to Al): I'm gonna be sick!

Al: Don't throw up on me!

Envy (clinging to safety bar): This's where my Christmas money went! I know it!

Several loops, sharp turns, and a backwards drop later

Envy, Ed, and Al are flung from the cart, Al wearing woman's lab coat, Ed in over sized man's lab coat

Ed and Al: Huh?

Envy: *tremble* I hate rollercoasters….

Ed and Al pull off coats and begin looking through vials

Ed: *picking up different bottles* What does it look like?

Envy *also looking through beakers* I don't know, just keep looking.

Al opens cabinet full of small vials lined up in sections according pictures on shelves

Al: Over here!

Two run over and scan labels

Al: These must be for your forms Envy.

Ed: So what do we look for?

Envy: Like some sort of reversal thing.

Al: Let's see… *reads labels* Lions, tigers, bears-

Dante (from shadows *creepy…*): Oh my. *holds up vial* Looking for this?

Envy: What?! How'd you get back before us?!

Dante: Well-… uh… how did we, Greed?

Greed (looking at map): *confusion* Well you got me. By all accounts it doesn't make sense.

Wrath pops out from behind Greed

Wrath: Hi Edward! Hi Edward's-less-scary-than-him brother!

Ed: Wrath?! What're you doing here?

Greed: He wanted to tag along and I just couldn't say no to that little face!

Dante (to Greed and Wrath): You're both idiots! Back to business.

Envy: Okay, okay, so maybe I wasn't as nice as I should've been, but are you really gonna kill me for it?

Ed: Yeah and more importantly, are you really gonna kill us for us?

Dante: Just think of it as you're being let go, you're life's going in a different direction, your bodies becoming part of a permanent outplacement.

Greed: *realization* Hey! That's kinda like what he said to you, only you weren't getting killed.

Dante: *irritation* I know. It's called a cruel irony… like my dependence one you.

Al: I don't believe this is happening.

Dante pulls up dress

Dante: And I bet you weren't expecting this!

Ed, Al, and Envy: No! Oh please, NO!!!

Dante pulls up dress, dagger on inside of dress

Dante: Aha!

Three: *sigh* Oh, okay.

Dante tosses dagger to Greed

Dante: Finish them off, Greed.

Voice (only heard by Greed): You're not backing down now, are ya big guy?

Devil (only seen by Greed) appears on Greed's shoulder

Greed: Where's the other guy?

Angel (only seen by Greed) pops up

Wrath (apparently he can see them too): Whoa! Those guys are so cool! Where'd you get 'em?!

Four others: …? *can't see anything*

Angel: Sorry I'm late, what'd I miss?

Greed: Well Dante just tossed me this knife and told me to take those three out.

Dante, Envy, Ed, and Al: *confusion* *blank stare* …?

Devil: Tell the kid to put me down!

Wrath (holding devil by the tail): So what's your total height?

Greed (continuing story to the angel): And then this guy popped up and then we waited for you and-

Dante: Greed! Why did I think you could do this?! This one simple thing! It's like I'm talking to Gluttony!

Devil: Whoa now!

Dante: I should have named you Gluttony! It's much more suiting!

Angel: Ouch!

Dante: And do you want to know something else?! I've never liked your spinach puffs!

Greed: *gasp*

Dante: Never!!

Greed: *sob*

Wrath: Well that wasn't very nice.

Devil: That's it! She's going down!

Angel: Now, now, remember, from above the wicked will receive their just rewards.

Greed looks up, large chandelier hanging above Dante

Greed: That'll work.

Cuts rope holding chandelier up

Three: *gasp*

Dante standing in center of chandelier, so thin chandelier fell around her

Greed: Strange… that usually works.

Dante runs over to lever on wall

Dante: And so does this! *pulls lever*

Greed: Wow, should've seen that coming. *falls through trap door with Wrath*

Ed pulls vial away from Dante, Dante tackles Ed, Al grabs vial, Dante trips Al and grabs vial, Envy kicks Dante who drops vial and flies across the room into shelves of potions

Envy dives for vial, Dante knocks over shelves, similar looking potion bottles everywhere, Envy, Ed, and Al scramble to find the right one

Dante: Woops, better hurry *pulls rope and alarm sounds* I'm expecting company!

Ed: Just take 'em all! *begins stuffing bottles into Al's armor*

Al: Okay, _now_ I feel like a drug dealer.

Doors fly open, state alchemists standing in doorways

Ed: So this is what state alchemists are being used for?!

Dante: Kill them!

Envy: Wait! I'm Envy!

Ed: Come on!

Dante: After them!

Ed (running through under ground Central): Okay, we've gotta change you back! *throws Envy a vial* Here try a vial!

Envy drinks potion, turned into a cat

Al: It's so cute-!

Envy: Don't touch me, tubby!

Al: Excuse me?!

Ed: Uh, here. *gives Envy another bottle*

Several bad picks later

Envy turns into Mustang

Envy: Is this supposed to be funny?! Give me *points at bottle* that one.

Envy turns into Ed

Envy: …?

Ed: …?

Envy: …Why?

Al gives Envy vial

Envy turns into homunculus form

Envy: Yay! I'm a palm tree again…! Wait….

Al: Quick! The elevator!

Three get in elevator and ride up into Pride's office

Ed: *glance, glance* Coast in clear.

Al: Where's Pride?

Envy: Probably trying to hide the mountains of paperwork I was always giving him.

Al (holding vials): Okay there's only two left, it has to be one of these two!

Elevator: *ding*

Ed (taking vials): Time to go! *opens window* Al, stay here.

Al: Why?!

Ed: Because you can't fit through the window. Just keep them busy!

Ed and Envy climb out the window and begin jumping from windowsill to windowsill

Al (trying to close closet door with all unconscious state alchemists inside): Come on!

Door shuts as Dante comes up in elevator

Dante: Where are they?!

Al: Where're who?

Dante looks out window, sees Envy and Ed on large landing, jumps out after them

Ed: Try one of these-! *kicked in the head by Dante*

Ed drops vials and Envy and Dante scramble for them, Dante is about to pick up vial, Envy bumps into her, Dante falls on vial, large explosion of smoke

Envy and Ed: *gasp*

Smoke clears, Dante in oversized version of Envy's parasite form

Envy: W_oooo_w, so that's what I look like….

Ed picks up vial and hands it to Envy

Ed: This is the one that'll turn you back to normal then.

Envy: Took long enough!

Dante-parasite bites Envy's leg

Envy: AH! Get her off!

Ed reaches for Dante, Envy kicks Ed in the face trying to get Dante off, Ed stumbles backwards and fall off landing, hangs onto another windowsill on the floor below

Envy kicks Dante against the wall and looks down at Ed

Ed (trying to lift himself back up): Drink the potion!

Envy: Okay, okay! *potion's gone* What?!

Dante (holding vial): *high pitched voice* Looking for this?! Is that my voice?! *cough*

Envy: No! Don't drop it!

Dante: I'm not going to drop it you fool! I'm going to drink it, and once I turn back into my beautiful self I'm going to kill you! *attempts to open bottle*

Dante grows aggravated and throws it against window, bottle bounces off and Dante jumps after it falling down the face of the building, bottle lands on windowsill near Ed

Envy jumps down to nearest windowsill and reaches for vial (tottering on the edge)

Ed (slipping): Envy!

Envy: Hold on! I almost got it!

Ed: Envy!!

Envy: Just gimme a minute I'll be right there!

Ed: Envy!!!

Envy: *glace at Ed, glance at vial, glance, glance*

Ed looses grip and lets go, Envy grabs Ed before he can fall and pulls him back up

Ed: T-thanks, Envy.

Envy: No problem, pipsqueak.

Ed: The potion!

Vial tips down and falls of windowsill, down the face of the building

Mustang (standing in front of Central building): For the last time! We did not order a giant trampoline! *points at huge trampoline, man is trying to sell him*

Man: Ya know what pal! You could've told me that before I set it up!

Dante (still falling) lands in trampoline and is shot back up the face of the building, catches the vial

Dante lands on upper windowsill

Dante: HA HA HA! I win!

Window Dante's standing next to flies open and crushes her against wall

Greed (person who opened window): Whoa! What are the odds that trap door leads me out here?!

Wrath (holding up packet of paper): Well judging by the script I'd say it took us exactly where we were supposed to go.

Greed: Script? Lemme see.

Wrath: Mine! *stuffs script in mouth*

Greed: … Did you just…?

Wrath: *swallow* I've learned to eat a lot of things. Mom's a good cook, but make her mad and all you'll be eating in gravel….

Vail goes flying and Ed catches it

Envy and Ed: *begin laughing* We did it!!!

Envy: *heartfelt* Thanks Ed…. Okay too sappy. *drinks potion*

_**I am sorry I didn't have this up yesterday. I was out and didn't get home until 11... and I was tired.... Thanks for reading and please review!**_

_**Tennessee**_


	10. Envytopia

Cast in order of appearance: Envy, Mustang, Ed, Al, Izumi, Greed, Wrath

Envy (palm tree): S-… sorry I threw you out the window, Mustang….

Mustang: It's okay I-

Envy: Now get out.

Takes out tape recorder

Envy: Okay if I record each apology I'll only have to say each once! I'm a genius!

Mustang: …?

Envy: No, but seriously, get out.

Mustang leaves grumbling

Envy begins walking away, sees Ed and Al sitting on stairs

Envy: Pipsqueak!

Ed: Who-?! Oh it's you Envy… why are you still in that form?

Envy: I've decided it's not that bad. I mean I still like to change my form but this one's just fun. Now back to business. You're a liar.

Ed: What?

Envy: You told me your brother was the nicest _person_ I would ever meet.

Ed: And?

Envy: Technically he's not a person, is he?

Ed: …Where're you going with this?

Envy: He's a tin can.

Ed: I'm aware.

Envy: So when he gets his body back he'll be the nicest person, correct?

Ed: *nod*

Envy: Well I guess I can't take the stone until I find out if he really is "the nicest person I'll ever meet".

Ed: Thanks Envy.

Envy: Why're you thanking me? This is purely to answer my question.

Ed and Al: *grin*

Ed and Al (human) walk through water park in swim trunks with towels over their shoulders

Girls walk by, don't notice Al

Al: I'm Alphonse Elric!!!

Ed: … *sigh*

Al: … No one notices me anymore….

Ed: It might be because you aren't a seven foot tall suit of armor.

Al: … Ya think so?

Ed: Well it's just a guess.

Al: Hey, have you seen Envy?

Ed: No. He was supposed to be here right?

Al: It is his water park after all.

Ed: Envy-topia… who would've guessed?

Al: Well not me.

Ed: Where is he-?

Envy: Pipsqueak!

Envy (looks at Al): Who's this?

Al: Envy! It's me!

Envy: Oh! The can, back to normal.

Al: … Thanks.

Envy: Yeah, but has anyone seen Wrath?

Al and Ed: No.

Envy: Maybe he's hanging out with Greed again, but his mother's looking for him.

Ed: Izumi's here too?

Envy: Oh yea, I invited the whole cast, and if they didn't want to come I told them attendance was mandatory of they wanted to come back to dub Brotherhood.

Ed: Smart.

Envy: Well I've gotta find Wrath before Izumi rips my ears off.

Ed and Al: See you later.

Greed's chimera scouts:

Wrath standing with other children wearing a boy scout uniform

Greed: My acorn is missing.

Wrath and others: Squeak squeaken squeak squeakity.

Greed: Did you eat the acorn?

Wrath and others: Squeak squeak squeak, squeaken

Greed: You owe me a new acorn.

Wrath and others: Squeak squeaken *hold up acorn*

Wrath elbows Dante

Dante: Squeakers….

THE END!!!

**_Hey everyone! Thanks so much for reading Envy's New Groove!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope you liked it!!!!!!!!!!!!_**


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